JESSLYN KOH

+65/ 1993 / Sagittarius
i enjoy talking to myself from time to time. Sometimes all i need is just a hug.
xxx

@xushaohui

Recent Posts

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· Mashed Up
· NX210
· "Ring, Ring"

Note:
If you are not someone who really cares about me, you can skip this post because it would probably bore you damn badly. But if you are someone with similar characteristics as me, you might want to continue and read on because you will probably be able to learn from my experience and not repeat my mistakes. If you can relate to this, i feel you too, you're not alone dear .


2.00PM and I'm currently on the train to my most hated place. It's like hell to me. I hate why i am going there for. I've never felt so unhappy and depressed in my life before. Just a few months ago, i made a terrible decision which resulted this agony in me. My life is a tragic right now. Yes, i know i might sound like im over reacting, exaggerating and whatsoever but hey you have to be in my shoes to know what i am feeling now. Not trying to attract attention nor am i trying to affect everyone around me but i really can't do anything to make myself act like i'm okay. Since young, I'm a timid person(to a certain extent, in certain ways) only my v and family knows it, knows me well. I might seem strong but trust me, I'm totally the opposite of it. I rely on anyone and everyone i can. Probably because I'm the youngest at home? I always rely on sister ( yes yes, i know i have to grow up) but i guess everyone grow up faster in different things? Lets say I'm more matured at A and you could think more maturely at B? You get me ya. I remember how i always don't dare to call Macdonalds and will always force my sister to call them for me (A perfect example of my timid-ness). Reason why I didn't dare? Because I was afraid that the person on the phone will judge me for being shy and my language. Yes I am always shy, i have no idea why either. I can communicate well if i feel comfortable around you or in that situation/environment but if i don't i am quiet like hell. Therefore i am only Sociable and Outgoing only to a certain extent and also some people would find me anti-social at first. This is prolly also because of me being inferior and my low self-esteem that is causing me to be so shy and timid. I can't change it for godsake. If you know how to, teach me? Also, that is why i never want to be a Programmer back then in IITSC and i HATED presentation. I always lose most of my marks there just because I have stage fright and i can't explain my work properly even when it's done by me myself. I hated interviews too. I can't bomb, i can't think fast and I am a slow learner, resulting myself to be in Normal Academic. During Secondary School days Oral, i gave up the conversation part (Oh gosh, thankful for reading, i always manage to just pass Oral. I love the reading section. God knows why.) as i never know how to answer quickly if the teacher surprise me with questions that i didn't expect. An example would be, the latest book you have ever read. WHATTTT? I hate reading books. so if i ever read one, you must read it because it means it's extremely enticing. Thus far only 1 book that made it and i lost it . It was a local book, written based on real life experience. It was so true, somehow i could relate to it and therefore i love it. My teacher then changed the question to the movie you last watched since i told her straight i don't read book (as usual i want to give up and leave there straight, quitter loser me). Then guess what?! I'm a very very very forgetful person and even after watching the movies, i can't remember any shit. I understood the show, i just forgot?! WTFFFFFFFF i know. I am like this. Test me on the superheroes show or any other famous movie. I remember nothing or maybe just really bits and pieces of it. Example, i love "The Hunger Games" but i can never remember the whole show. The only thing i can ever remember is lyrics. I have no idea why either. Maybe cause i love singing?Not really a movie person here. Then she asked me to talk about my childhood stories, AGAIN, i couldn't remember and gave up, teared because i was so afraid (timid me) but lucky me i manage to just pass. I am always like this. I teared twice during oral because i was so stress. I didn't want to cry but the tear just came out. Trust me, i did tried to stop it but the i can't control my emotionsDuring Poly presentations, my teacher would throw me question and i always get stuck, always always... What did i do? I kept quiet -.- I'm lucky that by far the interview(s) i went for, which is rather little, went well because the bosses are rather relax and the interview was a friendly and chill one. I remember how i screwed Zara interview and hell, i didn't get in, as expected. See, i toldcha' ... sigh... Oh! Back to timid, i'm always shy to take my monthly allowance from dad?! How the hell? I have no bloody idea why. I just felt very bad to. Unless it's EZ-link $$, then i'm okay with it. Weird much? Ok back to topic, sadly I'm no longer in any of the situation. I'm at Uni now and i have no choice, totally no choice because i signed up this shit myself. It was quite a last minute decision made by me myself. I can no longer plan which subjects to fail now because all of the modules I'm taking is equally important and i HAVE to pass all of them in order to graduate. This scares me, i can't imagine myself studying like crazy! I will definitely go insane first. Another way out, which describes me and also only for losers, is to quit. Yes, Quit school. I really want it but timid me have no guts to open it up again to my parents because I've already made them paid a lump sum of amount and in addition to it, they did warned me about Uni and be being stubborn and over confident thought that i could make it thus they supported me. How am i suppose to tell them??? I'm such a loser, such a disappointment. But on the other hand I am feeling so tired and unhappy about it. I can't even smile and i just keep sulking all day. I really don't want to affect them but i can't hide my emotions. I tried, i really did but i just can't! I really can't! I know if i dare to tell them about it, they will surely let me go on my way because they will never want to see me being so unhappy but... I really can't bring myself to tell them. I feel like good for nothing if i do that. But like i said i can't let myself be so unhappy and let everyone around me be worried for me too. Therefore, i'm lost in life and thus causing all my frustrations. Y'know, I have never lost my appetite this badly before. The previous break up only made me lost my appetite for 4 days. It has already been more then a week and i still have no appetite. I love food, everyone knows that i am snacking all day and all night. How can food turn me off? I'm definitely not going on diet or having anorexic. I just have no mood. I don't have mood to meet my friends either. I didn't reply a couple of them and turned down dates. I couldn't be bothered to dress up. I just feel like wearing tee shirts and shorts to school. I feel that i have lost myself. I'm just not being myself anymore. I just wanted day to pass by as quick as possible. I don't know what i want to do in life anymore. I always have a goal but now i've lost everything. Thus far, this is definitely the worst period of my life. I actually talked to the folks about it before and they agreed that i should just try it out till december before i need to pay for my exam to see if i can cope with it first before quitting. However, i really could not.. i just can't continue... But i don't dare to speak up either.... You know, i have never cried so much and so badly in life before. Never have i felt this way before. Lonely and shitty. I will say i have always been a happy-go-lucky girl since young. Stress-free etc. I just live while i'm young and have as much fun as i could. I  did not have to worry about anything and everything. I attended tuition when i was in primary and secondary school to ensure that i won't lost track of the more important subjects (meaning subjects that i love and want to pass with flying colours) because i couldn't concentrate in class. I am guilty for sleeping in almost all of the lesson until one teacher gave up on me. People got scolded for sleeping during lesson but i don't because she gave up on me.... Yes this terrible. But lucky me with great parents who make sure i will pass was so nice that they were willing to spend their hard earn money on my tuition. For I had tuition, i could afford even more to sleep in school in peace because i excelled in maths and my math teacher allows me to sleep in all of the lessons. My tuition teacher would always teach me faster then my school and thus I was always ahead of my friends. Yes wilful, i am. I am guilty of spending so much just on my tuitions all this while and that is why i made sure i could get into poly even with a bad grade of 23 points (before i minus 2 points for CCA) just not to disappoint my parents. I love my parents. When i finally graduate from poly, it was such a huge relieve as i finally didn't waste their money and made them proud with a okay Gpa of 2.65. Not good but not bad. I really had ridiculous amount of tuition and i mean almost everyday i had tuition. Even for ORAL, i had tuition. what a spoilt brat, i know. I am definitely super guilty for it and i am sincerely trying to change and I'm already changing. Now again stupid me was blinded by the fact that i just want to get a degree for a better pay forgot about my capability and signed up for something i can't do. Gonna waste their money again? FUG THIS SHIT. Back to disappointing them? sigh.. Not showing off here but to me i have quite a number of friends around be all this while  therefore never have i ever felt this loneliness in me. Maybe i am over thinking? BEcause right now, i have too much of negativity in me.. Well, me being lucky, i have a handful of super great,kind and generous friends who will always be there to help me in everything. I have friends that excel in different aspects of life therefore i will always be able to get help from people around me. I'm sad to say, in this hated school, i have ZERO friend(s), listen me, ZERO. Yes, ZERO. I do have friends studying here but they are all from different courses thus they are also busy with their school work and will not be able to help me to understand anything. 
Why do i have zero friends?
The only reason for this is that stupid me did not signed up for FOC (Freshman Orientation Camp) because i was lazy and therefore i missed it. If i went for that, i will definitely make friends and probably, MAYBE only, my life will be slightly different now. Having the support of your friends in school is definitely crucial. Yes i mean slightly better but definitely not better off by a lot because i hate the modules in the course that i've stupidly signed up (serve me right) for and not the people there. 
Why didn't i make friends in class? 
Like i said, i'm not a sociable person. What makes it worst is that my class is HUGE. Everyone came into the class knowing one and other because they went for camp and they were already in groups already. Just by going FOD (Freshman Orientation Day) was definitely not enough as you will get more bonded with the OG in your Camp but not the Day camp since you guys will spend more time together and most of the time, that friendship last longest in Uni. It is really hard to blend in... You get what i mean... Now imagine yourself in my shoes, how lost, lonely and shitty will you feel? Yes i know i deserve it all. I admit i am wrong for all this things. 

This makes me think back to the first time i entered IMI in TP. Oh god knows i hated it so much too, it was my 10th out of 12 choice. Not as bad because thank god i am still interested in web designing but i hated animations. I hated Flash etc. Of course the happiness when you complete a project is damn shiok but the process is horrible. Imagine yourself having to worry about submission almost everyday but of course i did lots of last minute la.... :3 I also had a thought of quitting (loser and timid me) but i was lucky to have met one friend who asked me not to give up and constantly offered help to me. She studied, did projects with me, help me out and even stayed over at my place till about 5AM for days. Blessed me was lucky enough to have her and a few of my other friends to help me out throughtout this entire 3 years. Everyone that I am close with were so helpful. Thank god once again. I even scored the highest in class just by reading her notes and studying with her. Words can't describe how thankful i am towards this girl. Happy me was not only about studies, i definitely did excel in enjoying my poly life too. Thanks to my qtpies. I had tons of fun, super enthusiastic friends and i love all of them. Thinking about this makes me tear AGAIN. I love TP and i love IITSC. Club room was just like my second home where spend late nights there with them almost everyday. i love meetings, i love going school and i love staying in school even if it's for nothing. I just love the company. However right now, it's different, i have no friends you see and i am all by myself. I know i need to grow up, but it's really difficult, not that i don't want to but i just can't... I guess i just need time to grow naturally? We can't force such things to work out right? Of course! I still have them, my friends around me, who will constantly ask me out. I am blessed with them and my family around. I do appreciate them and they are probably the reason why i still wake up for. I have never cried on the train before and this time i cried almost every time i take the train to the place i call "hell". I'm not even lying, it is that severe. No one knew it because i wasn't there to attract attention and i just teared quietly. Non -stop tearing. I can't control it.. I do cry easily, i guess? Thinking about happy times didn't help at all! It made me even sadder as i feel the difference in my life from the past and present. Every time i think about it, i cry. I cry to bed and I cry awake.  Like seriously? I cry almost all day, every time i think and talk about it. Trust me, it's worst then having a break up. My brain is full of thoughts and words can't even describe my feeling right now. It feels like I'm having some mid-life crisis right now but definitely I'm not and CHOYYY please don't. I'm just feeling really down and i really need a place for me to rant my feelings and thoughts. Maybe not 100% of it but at least 90%? I regretted, totally regretted for not listening to others who said that i'm not a book and not a study material kind of person. I should have listened to my family because they know me best and they know my "pattern" and character best. I overestimated myself, it was a rash decision. I swear at that point of time i really wanted to study hard and do my best. Not that i don't want now, if i can i would but i know i can't because i hate it so much that it is actually torturing me. I feel like i am suffering everyday.... Lost in life... I don't want it so badly and i feel so screwed up. I was all ready to face and fight all the obstacles and overcome my fear. I thought i can make it. Never did i reflect of what kind of person i am. I am a really lazy person. Graduating from Polytechnic wasn't really a breeze for me but i definitely enjoyed my time there because i was lucky enough to have met the bestest friends one can have to help me around and to study with me be it in school, outside school, during school hours, after school, at my place or even the last hour before assignment due date. I also had  lenient, helpful and nice teachers and my world best care person around to help too. I have the awesome and most wonderful class C296 to stand together. I love my 3 years of Poly. I remember during year 1, my class and I went to bedok's Pizza Hut for lunch since we had a 3 Hours break. Yes, class y'know, even the good and clever kids who works hard went together. Such bond... This was how bonded we were. We went late for class for an hour plus and we were feeling very guilty because the next teacher was one of the fiercest and good teacher ever. We did not went late on purpose. It was really because of traffic. Our nice Class Rep actually stood forward and apologised for us. *so much love for mateen*. I had my major and worst breakout ever which left scars on my face during year 2, but i think that year 2 was the best year followed by 3 then year 1 for my Poly life. Lets get back to topic, I managed to enjoy my 3 years of Poly and pass with a not fantastic but not a bad Gpa. I would say Average. I did work hard, i really did and that is why my Gpa grew every sem! I'm really not used to the system now, the "not class" class i am having now. You get what i mean? If you happen to be in my course before, you will get me. Sigh. So cherish the time you have now in poly.. Because of Poly, I became more confident in myself and i trusted myself thinking that my determination to study hard finally came. I wasn't totally wrong, i do really have the determination and i really made the decision for my future. However, i forgot about something. Determination isn't the only thing to care for, I have forgotten about my lazy nature. I forgot about living happy, how much i hated studying back in secondary school and that is why parents have to waste $xxxxx  amount of money just on my tuition since young just for me to at least get an 'O' level cert. Guilty? I really am but i'm still a spendthrift . Trust me, I'm really controlling and improving. I don't only think twice now, i think 50 over times before i decides to buy anything these days. Sometimes the stuffs get out of stock by the time i've decided to get it...  Even if it's my favourite Hello Kitty. I used to be a horrible impulsive buyer. I can go into topshop and purchase a $80 shorts and come out the next second saying that i regret. Wtf much? Yeah i know, how i wish it was HnM so at least i can get a refund *breaks my heart* . I'm gonna reflect on myself now. On my reckless spendings and about my life. Funny how i can't wait for school to start few months back and i detest it as much as i hate cats right now. I feel like my life is a joke and I'm in my worst state ever... Feeling full of regretfulness and agony... Like Excuse Me(?)(?)(?) Econs, Global Management.. Seriously??? GLOBAL FUCKING HELL MANAGEMENT. ME? You think i can do it? Hell no! How much i hated social studies back then... It is x100000 times tougher now and I'm all by my own. How am i suppose to do it?! No bloody way. I hate myself, hate myself for making such decision. Yes degree is indeed important but i should not have overlook myself causing me to lose my motivation in everything. Yes it's that pathetic, no exaggeration in it.. I forsee myself going crazy one day if i continue this way... I don't know what will happen ( i will definitely not die) but I will just prolly look like some old haggard crazy crappy shitty women. You get me ? I just want to leave this damn place damn badly. Please.... 

Labels: #personal

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